A Seed of Independence
One of my girlfriends recently confided to me, “It seems like my daughter is always in opposition with me. She loves hugs, but when I attempt to show affection, she pulls away. When I ask how her day was, I get minimal feedback. Yet, when her friend calls, she transforms into ‘Chatty Kathy.’ This uphill battle is exhausting, and it really hurts my feelings.
My response was, “Trust me, I understand all too well, and I would bet all moms have felt this way at some point during motherhood. Within my circle of mom friends, this topic frequently pops up in our conversations.”
How should moms manage this?
1. Broaden your perspective with a biblical point of view.
Genesis 2:24 commands men to leave their families and start families of their own. It may be difficult to imagine your adolescent daughter managing a family of her own; especially when, she can’t even manage to keep her bedroom tidy, much less her own life. Despite this, take a deep breath, and allow this reality to sink into your heart.
God’s desire is for your daughter to mature into an independent woman and ultimately have a family of her own.
God has placed a seed of independence within your daughter. This seed needs nurturing and guidance from the family in order for your daughter to mature into an emotionally healthy and mature woman. When your daughter emotionally pulls away from you, it is a result of her God-given independence growing within her. She may truly believe you are Public Enemy No. 1, but the root of this behavior is not a personal attack on you, Mom.
2. Understand who your enemy is.
1 Peter 5:8 instructs us to be mindful of the fact that the devil is our enemy, and he is always seeking a way to sneakily destroy your life. When you feel as though your daughter is your enemy, it is a bold-faced lie from the devil. Don’t allow this lie to take a stronghold in your mind and heart.
Here is a prayer for this situation:
Prayer for You
Dear heavenly Father,
3. Help your daughter understand her desire for independence.
If moms need to broaden their perspectives to gain insight into the true root of the issue, adolescents and teenagers have even a greater need for this insight. From your daughter’s perspective, she just feels internal conflict. Often times, it is just a nagging irritation. She probably can’t define the exact time she first felt it and is uncertain of the cause. She just feels it.
Here is an example of a conversation I had with my daughter to help her understand the seed of independence.
“Honey, it seems like you’re agitated, and I am wondering if I am frustrating you.” She answered with a silent glance. “I just want you to know it’s okay to feel irritated with me. As a mom, it is my job to instruct and challenge you, and that’s uncomfortable at best.” An unfriendly and silent glance acknowledged my suspicions.
“I want you to think about this from a bigger perspective. It’s God’s ultimate desire for you to mature into a grown woman who is able to live apart from me, with a family of your own someday. In order to accomplish this, God has given you a desire for independence. All kids have felt this growing independence that can cause tension with parents. This is just a part of growing up. Even though I will continue to provide instruction and correction, and you will feel frustrated with me, God still expects us to be respectful of one another and respond with grace. Can we work on that together?”
With God’s help, you can and will successfully navigate your role as a mom. He is always with you, and He always has a plan to help you. He just needs you to ask Him.